Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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