I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Less talking, more tequila
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
