he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
