She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize