I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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