I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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