If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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