Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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