Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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