I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
