this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
