I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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