hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
