just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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