That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize