im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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