I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
