Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize