just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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