I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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