Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
