i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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