its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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