Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
