You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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