I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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