WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
