I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i need some magic done to my vagina
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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