Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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