Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
