when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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