i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
