I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
