you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
