I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize