she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also, beer. Big fan.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize