Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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