Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize