Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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