So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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