I can text with my tongue
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
