Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
