waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
