its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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