The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
