I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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