Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
