Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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