GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just high enough for therapy.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
