he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
