Sry I called you an 8
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
