I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
