Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
