and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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