My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Semen is not good for contacts.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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