The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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