I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
