Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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